The “will of God,” that all-elusive mystery, is incredibly difficult to grasp. Up until 2012, I felt I had good understanding of “God’s will.” Believe in God, repent of your sins, and your life will go smoothly. But then I received some earth-shattering news: I would never have children. My flimsy faith fell apart, but thankfully, for me, it was God’s way of making our relationship real.
I was thirty-three when we started trying for a family. Within a week of stopping birth control, I knew something was wrong. Subsequently, after a multitude of tests, it was confirmed that I had premature ovarian failure (i.e. I was going into early menopause).
The doctors immediately pushed me towards considering donor eggs or adoption. Adoption I could live with because I’m adopted myself… but donor eggs? To me, this was an abomination; surely there was still some chance for me to have my own children, right?
Over the next two years, I dove head first into infertility treatments and marathon prayers trying to understand God’s intent for my family. Surely, He had something miraculous up His sleeve. I spent my time pleading like Hannah for God to enable me to be pregnant. Wouldn’t that bring Him the utmost glory? I devoured the Bible, searching for signs of His plan or what to do next. I was so lost. Why wouldn’t God just tell me His will? It was exhausting and I. Was. Miserable.
What I didn’t know was that, during this time, God’s will was already being done. He showed me that His will isn’t necessarily a place we’re wanting to go, a decision He wants us to make, or something He wants to happen.
God’s will is for us to be with Him, to want what He wants, and to see what He sees. I learned that, when we seek Him, we are doing His will, and our hearts can begin to change to His plan. Once I realized this, our relationship became dynamic and reciprocal with a living rhythm to it that my heart could rest in.
As I continued to seek Him, my desires and the picture of what I thought would be fell away, and a different and exciting picture began to emerge. Suddenly, donor eggs seemed like an awesome idea! Someone else would be the architect for my children, but I’d get be the contractor! How cool is is that?
After a few days of searching online and a whole lotta prayer, there she was. Total peace and joy rushed over us.
Just days ago, I became pregnant by a woman (well, by her ovarian eggs) named Suzie from Phoenix, Arizona. The fact that a woman 1,065 miles away would compassionately give part of herself away for the hope of a perfect stranger is just as glorious and miraculous to me as a 90-year-old woman getting pregnant in the desert. Even if this pregnancy does not thrive, this was part of God’s plan to bring us our baby, mature my faith, and strengthen my trust in Him.
As painful as it was, I am so grateful to God for stretching me to show me what His will looks like, not just with my infertility, but for the entirety of my life.